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By: Eric Feathers
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| Tuesday, 1-Jan-2008 12:00 |
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Into the New Year
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I've neglected my journal but the details that make a life have not escaped me. My year end review goes back about 15 months, when I returned to San Francisco from Brazil. Like everyone I've had my struggles and my triumphs; the year has had its share of comedies and tragedies, personal and universal.
In retrospect I have to say that working with the public has provided me with the most noteworthy experiences of the year. Friends and family keep busy and myself being no exception, spend more time at work than with loved ones. A year ago, I was couch surfing in the East Bay and working a retail, holiday schedule in Union Square. Christmas help has to be selected, trained and tested before "Black Friday," a name referring to the color of the ink in the profit column of retail sales on the Friday that follows Thanksgiving Day. I felt a little bit "fresh off the boat" after living abroad for more than 7 years, landing in the heart of San Francisco's shopping district. The land of towering Christmas trees and a menorah that requires a cherry picker to light the candles. I was selling gourmet housewares and designer accressories in a place where people shouldn't be allowed to drink and shop. Norman Rockwell heartstrings are always pulled when I see the windows at Macy's which aren't decorated with merchandise but donated to our local animal shelter in hopes of finding homes for puppies and kittens that will surely have and unpleasant fate without our help...
I had my had my "Hallmark stories" reuniting lost children with their parents, the "Kodak moment" helping 2 men in kilts select their party accessories and even a soap opera scene when a young Brazilian woman returned for a second shopping trip between Christmas and New Years. She became very emotional when I asked when she would visit her "terra nativa." It had been years and she was still too broke to travel. I dried her eyes by convincing here to write letters and make phone calls expressing her desire to visit, at least people feel better just saying and hearing it.
One thing nobody like to hear is, "Bad dog!!" especially in a department store displaying rugs and furniture. When did it become totally acceptable to take dogs everywhere? No respect for people who are allergic or children who get frightened? Does a dog really want to go shopping or out to dinner? I worked at Fisherman's Wharf over the summer and early fall where comedies unfold in rapid fire. At the door of the restaurant, my title vascilated with the ebb and flow of the foot traffic on the sidewalk among the crab pots and refrigerated seafood. Holding the line at the door I am 'maitre de'; receiving diners as they enter I am 'host' and pulling in the few people who are passing by I am 'barker.' A personal best, based on efficiency and pure entertainment; was seating 36 Italians in a small room (20 tables) in only 20 minutes and only one of them spoke English!
Funny stuff:
An attractive woman who stepped up real close to me and asked, "Is it alright if we kiss in there?"
I didn't have a snappy retort ready so while I was gasping for something to say, her husband stepped in to say, "I think she means with me."
Running gag:
The Mexicans in the kitchen used called me 'governador' or 'governator' because they see a resemblance between Arnold and myself. They constantly begged me for a driver's license.
Daily challenge:
Stuffing grotesquely obese people into tiny little booths, sorry no talbes. When did being phat become phasionable? C'mon guys, when was the last time you saw your dick? And if you want to cut off all the hair on the back of your head, I suggest you grab a hand mirror then go to a wall mirror and take a good look back there. Is there a name for that ugly roll of fat?
I've also noticed that young women's voices have changed, what happened to them while I was away? I often hear something like a gurgling sound in their voicebox. Tune in a TV show called "Smallville" and you can hear this "affliction" in the voice of the character called Lana. If it's hereditary then we have discovered a new gene! If it's an intentional manner of speach, then please stop it! It's irritating! Speaking of young women; where's the self esteem? Where's the pride? I suffered a minor shock when I heard a CNN report about one of our representatives in Washington on a drunken tear about a year ago. In the report they carefully tip toed around the 'n' word but casually used the word 'bitch.' They are equally hateful words in my mind. Has Oprah addressed this issue, any word from Condeleza Rice?
Since my return to SF I've seen a number of changes I can't get used to. Cell phones everywhere! I always think people are walking around talking to themselves, creeps me out. Pharmaceutical drugs advertised on TV! We can self diagnose and decide what what remedy we should take for an ailment we think we might have. Never mind the side effects. Things that won't go away - Why do people wear camouflauge patterns? Hunting and killing are fashionable, warfare is glamorous and the games are fun! "Shut up or I'll pop a paintball in your ass."
Fast forward the couch surfing and God bless the good friends and family for helping me over a rough patch. One good thing led to another bringing me to a photo studio in a growing art gallery. I got myself a studio apartment in a great location and left the smell of crab at the Wharf to suppliment my part-time income working with caterers through the 'holiday season.' The past 8 weeks have exposed me to the diverse web of life I enjoy in San Francisco. I served Sushi to Robert Redford at a Sundance opening, I was in the Tenderloin serving Thanksgiving turkey at Glide Memorial, served rare beef (I don't make the menu) at a benefit for Tibet attended by close followers of Dali Lama and MC'd by Sharon Stone. In the world of holiday parties I find it ironic that a stockbrokerage rented City Hall and took over the entire building with lights, music and four seperate kitchens, dining rooms and bars. Then leave it to a law firm to rent the aquarium at Pier 39 with its artificial tide pools where you can play with the starfish and a large, clear tube for 'tours under the bay,' (reality - large tanks in the bay) but it creates a strange, visual sensation especially when a school of herring passes. Imagine a bar down there serving drinks to a bunch of lawyers with sharks swimming in the background...
Small, private parties took me into the homes of people hosting family, friends and colleagues in the spirit of the holidays. I helped make 'latkes' at a Hanukah dinner, served ceviche to the people who run the SF AIDS Foundation, poured wine for local gourmet chefs and wine connoissers, tended bar for a gay couple entertaining colleagues and insisting that shoes be removed not to soil the white carpet, (I don't know what they do when dogs arrive.) The funnest event so far was a wedding held on Treasure Island in the 'Casa de la Vista' because of the view of the City accross the water. I didn't realize at first but it soon became obvious we would be serving an elegant, black crowd and they spared no expense on food and drink. They also turned down the chapel in favor of holding the ceremony and the reception in the same room. A sax player backed by a fully loaded keyboard did a beautiful segue from "Silent NIght" to the weding music that traditionally introduces the bride. The DJ took over after 'live dinner jazz' and played everything from Sam Cooke to Black Eyed Peas. In a flagrant breach of protocol, the bride caught me dancing around behind the dessert table then jokingly tried to get me on the dance floor. My New Years gig was cancelled because of a sad and strange turn of events. Someone had rented the Zoo as the site of their year end celebration but last week a tiger escaped its enclosure and killed someone. That tragedy ended when after the tiger attacked two more visitors then threatened to attack the police so she was shot to death. Her name was Tatiana. The subsequent closure of the Zoo bounced me over to a private party serving hors d'oeuvers and pouring champagne. The guests turned out to be a bunch of 30 somethings who all brought their babies and small children to the party. I immediately made friends with the nanny caring for three of the babies who seemed to know her way around the kitchen. Turned out to be a Brazilian from Sao Paulo. My beautiful table of appitizers was soon crowded by baby bottles and dishes of creamy stuff. Keeping the garbage seperated was a challenge getting the dads to put beer bottles on the right; and moms, disposable diapers on the left. By the time the New Year arrived I had washed more breast pumps than champagne flutes.
God help us if we have to start praying, but the human race appears to need help getting through the next year. Light a candle for those who have passed before us and raise your glass to 2008.
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